I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
