ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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