HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
