Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
