Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
