I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
