He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
