I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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