Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
