Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
