My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
