I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
