I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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