I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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