I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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