I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
