Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
