my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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