why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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