Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
