Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
