A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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