I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
