Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
