This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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