is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize
