I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
