I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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