Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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