Kiss
Puke
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My liver is preforming stress tests.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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