man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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