did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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