pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
