i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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