I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
