hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
