This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
