We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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