I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
