can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This baby is an asshole
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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