I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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