The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
