I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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