She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
