who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
