He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
