let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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