The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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