Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
