apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
