he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
