Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
