the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
