Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
